During the four years I had been at Ludgrove, I had experienced phases of varying popularity. I had never been specifically unpopular, but there had been times when I had seemed to be swimming along with life better than at others. There had been a wave of popularity for me under the clowning image (as `Twitter'), but it soon palled on those who wished to be more intent upon their studies - until I became aware of the hostility I had engendered.

As far as cliques within my peer group were concerned, the dominant personality within one of them was [H]. He was quiet, studious and relatively intellectual. Some of my friends were his friends, but there was never much of a liking between himself and me. There was only one period when I had endeavoured to associate closely with his clique, when he was creating a puppet theatre group, I soon found myself at odds with him - for reasons which I shall attempt to analyse.

It probably boils down to the idea that I didn't know my place. It was [H] who had set up the theatre, devised the scripts and the characterisation, and here was I (admitted to the group for the sole reason that we happened to share a mutual friend,) attempting to assert my own personality as if it were important. I daresay that [H] would have added that my contributions were disruptive and untalented. In any case there came a point in time when he sent me a curt note, by the hand of another member of the group, which read quite simply: "YOU'RE SACKED!" And I felt bitterly offended, in that I did not then comprehend why it was that I should be regarded as unacceptable within their gang.

I recovered from this period of rejection in my own way, and partly because I was becoming the nucleus to a different gang of friends, which included Anthony Casdagli, Mark Jeffreys and Mark Dent-Brocklehurst, and partly because I had maintained almost constantly, the esteem of Ali Barber, who began promoting me to positions of authority above their heads. He made me aware that he regarded me as someone who displayed leadership qualities. He was always addressing the school on the need for such qualities, and perhaps I had been more attentive to his words than the rest of them.

Indeed, I always strove to emerge within the spirit of what he was preaching, offering the initial suggestion or example that he might demand. I had noted on a whole variety of occasions that he threw a glance of approval in my direction on observing that it was myself, rather than than those senior to me, who volunteered such a response. Leadership was one of the qualities most admired by my father as well. I knew how I might be pleasing the two of them with this display.

I was first appointed to be a dormitory monitor for the Summer term of 1944. Ali had probably made it his business to furnish me with a list of amiable boys to control, without there being any particular trouble- makers numbered in their ranks. I had an easy run over the course of the term, persuading them to be on their best behaviour over the course of the entire term, with promises of jam tomorrow - or in the final week of term. (A promise which was fulfilled in the orgiastic scenes previously described.) But Ali was evidently so impressed by my control over the dormitory during the initial weeks of the term that he elevated my status to that of school monitor, during that same term, and some while before my seniority as a dormitory monitor required. And it was this promotion which in fact gave me the edge over other candidates for the ultimate appointment as the captain of the school, during my final term of Summer 1945.

It was a case of attaining the pinnacle of power which had been many a schoolboy's secret ambition from the very start. I had never been a front runner for such distinction, until after my appointment as a school monitor that is to say. But the whole idea of leadership qualities had been so much instilled into my vision as the desirable direction for personal development, both by Mr Barber and by my father himself, that the urge had always been present to earn their admiration by such achievement. And now that I had emerged as the leader, so to speak, I was determined to prove myself the best captain of the school that there had ever been.

This is where all that recent fascist indoctrination from Henry bore fruit. And a very sour fruit it turned out to be. His precept for the archetypal leader was strength - in the sense of a capacity to dominate all others so that the decisions of his will were what counted in the direction that the group should take. So in accordance with this philosophy, I endeavoured to instil into the minds of the other monitors, the importance of us emerging in the eyes of the school as an integrated leadership, whose authority unquestioningly would be obeyed.

At the start, I daresay that the morale was good. I launched myself with verve into the duty of organising rosters and schedules, and seeing that the tasks thus indicated were efficiently executed. There were murmurs of praise from such long-standing admirers as Cabbage Reed. And I was popular in the school at large, with a following of stalwart supporters, just a little junior to myself, with Paddy Cleland, Geoffrey Shackerley, Nick Crossley and Colin Ingleby-Mackenzie perhaps foremost amongst these. I seemed to be heading for a confirmation in spirit that I was developing along the right lines, towards the attainment of adult glory.

As in all fascist regimes throughout history, the good will towards such authority eventually floundered. In part this was due to the unpopularity of my second-in-command, who was[I]. [I] was just marginally older than I and had in fact been appointed a school monitor at the same time as myself, and had risen indeed to be head boy, which is to say he was listed top, from the previous term, in scholastic matters. I got on very well with [I], ever since I had earned his respect in the boxing ring, and by my emergent eminence in the flowering of juvenile persona. But he had a reputation for being tough, even harsh, with those younger than himself, and Mr Barber had probably promoted me over the top of his head, perhaps for that very reason, in my appointment as captain of the school.

[I] had greeted with enthusiasm my stress upon the need for strong leadership from the school monitors. But the question remained as to how this policy should best be implemented. It seemed that we had found an appropriate opportunity to demonstrate the principles upon which we intended to act when it was reported to us that [J], a boy with a reputation for bullying those younger than himself, had been terrorising some of the new kids by imprisoning them for spells of half an hour or so in a drawer intended for rackets, inside the changing room of the squash court.

Within the spirit of letting the punishment fit the crime, we decided to give [J] a taste of his own medicine. He was ambushed, dragged into the first division, where a trap-door which gave access to a shallow, dusty space beneath the floor, had been opened up in readiness for his own imprisonment. He climbed in without demur, but displayed the ingenuity to escape, so that the whole process had to be repeated - with greater attention this time to the placement of something heavy on top of the trap-door. On this occasion the sentence was completed, and we congratulated ourselves upon what we regarded as the successful enforcement of law and order - with ourselves as the self-appointed vigilantes.

Incarceration in `the priest-hole' (as it was called) had in fact been employed at Ludgrove, according to verbal tradition, by a particular set of monitors shortly prior to the time when we ourselves had first arrived at the school. The fear of incurring such a fate had remained imprinted upon our minds, to an extent that the threat of such punishment had long served as a deterrent against too much cheek from the junior boys towards those who had reached the first division. The fact that we were now putting such punishment into practice must sadly be regarded as the implementation of my own (or Henry's) precept that leadership should be strong'. And it seemed for a while that we had achieved what we desired, in that the more bumptious of those who were younger than us now curtailed their cheek, scuttling out of our way, or behaving deferentially towards us, with their dour looks held askance.

I think I am right in saying that it was [I] who argued, during this instant flush of success, that we ought to take the policy further. And there was one boy in particular, [K], whom he regarded as being obnoxious, and therefore meriting a spell of incarceration under the floor boards. So another ambush was arranged, and [K] submitted to the fate imposed. Much to [I]'s fury however, a note was intercepted from the prisoner's best friend, [L], commiserating with him on the treatment he had received, with some offensive reference to [I] whom he apparently regarded as the instigator of these actions.

Such comment was regarded as unacceptable, and as one further case of cheek which merited deterrent punishment. [I] took it upon himself to seize the unfortunate [L] and started lashing him with a belt before the sentence of imprisonment was carried out. I had been sitting there at my desk in the first division, without actually participating in the scene. But [L] now tearfully appealed to me that I should call a halt to what was going on. He even said something to the effect that I was far too descent a person, for him to believe that I had ever endorsed such behaviour.

Little did he perceive just how guilty I really was, but I was generally popular in the school, whereas [I] was feared. This appealed to my better nature however, made me feel really bad. [L] had been in my dormitory on various occasions, and I rather liked him. The sight of him receiving those (admittedly few) lashes was shameful to me, and for the first time I was glimpsing the grim shadow from the policies I had initiated. I told [I] hastily that the lashes were unnecessary, but that the sentence of incarceration could be implemented.

In retrospective examination of my school career, I am naturally horrified by these events. But it is important that I should record precisely what was going on in my mind, for I genuinely believed that I was exemplifying in my behaviour the very best of leadership qualities, such as Henry himself had preached, and that it would earn his respect and admiration. This can indeed be seen in the tone of my letter informing him of all that we had done. It must have been written immediately after [K]'s imprisonment, and prior to that of [L]. I shall quote some excerpts.

We seem to have a lot more power than the usual standard of monitors. We found out that a cheeky little brat named [J] was bullying the new kids.... Immediately we laid an ambush for him, and when he came near the 1st Div door, we pounced upon him and dragged him inside. We opened up the floor-boards and I threw him down.... We left him down there for over an hour....

This morning we tried it again, on another person this time under the offence of being too big for his boots. As it wasn't nearly such a bad case, I merely kept him there for about 15 minutes.

A point to be noticed perhaps, is that I quite evidently regarded myself to be the ringleader. And I was - even if I mitigate this judgement in retrospect by saying that the influence of [I] had augmented the brutality of all that we did. What came as a grave shock to me however, was Henry's letter in reply to my own, of which there is no record, but in it he stated that I had misbehaved: that what I proclaimed as strength was in fact bullying, and that he was going to bring these matters to the attention of Mr Barber.

Psychologically I had indeed been shaken. In supposing that I had been performing thus for Henry's benefit, I imagined that I had been sharing with him some manner of spiritual entente. I might turn out to be the personal fulfilment of all that he had been preaching. But I was now being told that I had somehow interpreted his preaching wrongly, and I was suddenly, despairingly on my own. Was it really I who had erred so grossly in the reading of his word? Or was it he who didn't truly comprehend the significance of his own utterances? But in any case I was now on my own, to sort out within my own values the kind of person that I should be.

The truth of the matter is that there was indeed an exceptionally strong streak of traditional public school decency within my mental outlook. Mr Barber certainly, and my father in part at least, had conditioned me that way. It was all in the ethic of becoming a gentleman. The worry which had awakened in my mind however, was that Henry didn't himself know how gentlemanly and fascist behaviour might logically be disassociated.

I have no means of knowing for sure whether it was Henry, or one of our victims, who informed Ali Barber about what had been going on. By my own deduction, he was probably informed from both sources. I think that my father must have written because Ali quite evidently found himself under commitment to deal leniently with us. And I think that [L] had (quite rightly) informed on us, because Ali had been given the impression that [I], rather than myself, was the real culprit.

All of the school monitors were interviewed both separately and collectively, to unearth the details of what exactly had occurred. At the end of the day, Ali remonished us for being "the weakest set of monitors that Ludgrove has ever known". This was hitting me, astutely, where it really hurt. But he didn't remove me from the captaincy of the school, and it felt at the time as if we all recovered with some resilience from the stigma of such shame.

I certainly enjoyed this my last term at Ludgrove: all of the four years I had spent there, in effect. Despite the final notoriety, I had in fact gained enormously in self-confidence over this period in my life. It had furnished me with a first taste of success. Even if I knew that I hadn't quite understood as yet what leadership qualities might really entail, it couldn't be denied that, somehow or other, I had come out on top. Whatever the necessary qualities might be, I felt that in essence I must possess them.

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