I certainly didn't regard myself as a lady's man during these early years at Eton. I had no cause to in that I'd received too little encouragement from that quarter. During my very first half, I had hastily declined an invitation from Francis Hoare's sister, Virginia, to escort her to the Beagle ball, partly because she was a year or two older than myself, but more precisely because I simply wouldn't have known how to play the role that was expected of me. Francis had been a good friend to me at Ludgrove over one period, but he had left earlier than myself, and it was difficult to re-establish our former intimacy now that our real friends were at different levels in the school. Nor had there been any satisfactory developments with Sally, my cousin, whom I had indeed loved. My incapacity to enrich the relationship had now become an embarrassment to me in that I dreaded people becoming aware that I still felt sentimentally about her.

There was indeed one visit when Christopher and myself were invited to stay with our cousins at their house in Selhurst, near Ringwood - in order to attend some local dance for children. Sally wasn't the only attractive girl at this week-end party, in that Caroline Kirkwood, whom we were meeting for the first time, was also staying. And while being younger than Sally, and therefore probably intended for Chris, she was at an age when she had just become aware of her feminine potential. One might say that she was `tarty' within the values which I then held, although `provocative' is more in keeping with my present vocabulary.

My personal problem was that Chris didn't merely limit his attentions to Caroline, but he was also making flirtatious comments to Sally; and I could see that she was appreciating them. I felt miserable throughout the week-end. Everybody seemed to have been made aware how I was supposed to be in love with Sally, and there were many teasing comments on the subject. But I felt incapable of doing anything which might advance the relationship, while Chris was prancing round on the perimeter giving everyone the impression that he knew just how the ropes of the ring were to be used.

Then at the dance itself, I was getting on quite well really with a girl named Dawn, but then Caroline accused me of having a crush on her, which worried me quite unnecessarily for a whole variety of reasons. (Incorrect assessment of my emotions, the supposed infidelity to Sally, and my sheer unreadiness to be regarded as having a crush upon anyone at all for that matter.) I avoided Dawn for the rest of the evening, which was somehow typical of my whole sexual attitude at this time.

This was an inactive period for me sexually, from every point of view: by which I mean that there were very few homosexual opportunities for me either. When I first arrived at the house, Jaques' was notorious as a bit of a pi tutor's. (Pi being the Etonian abbreviation for the word pious, or relatively pure in its members' sexual pursuits.) That was to change during the period I was there, but not especially through any fault of mine!

The most overtly sexual experiences that I encountered over this period took place back at Sturford Mead during the holidays, and were indeed of a homosexual nature - mild enough though they were. It was homosexual horseplay similar to much that had gone on at Ludgrove, with myself and my two brothers stripping off naked in the company of Dicky Rawlings, who was Christopher's local friend, the son of a publican. I think they were pretending to be cows, with myself playing the role of stud bull. But we never really did very much to one another, although we managed to shock Dicky's father on one occasion by marching into the drawing room at Sturford wearing Mexican hats in the place of jock-straps. The fact of it all being done so openly however, was indicative of its innocent nature. And I heard Henry trying to reassure the publican that he shouldn't worry about our antics.

Something that I found disconcerting, back at Eton, was the way Old Ludgrovians in general had a reputation for `shiftiness' as it was called: meaning a propensity to indulge in homosexual activities. Coming from a pi tutor's, it took me some while to discover that we had been attributed with this characteristic, but the memory of how I myself had behaved at Ludgrove afflicted me with a certain feeling of appropriate guilt to the charge. I felt as if I had something in my past, which I hoped would remain hidden, even if my present conduct could be described as being relatively innocent.

Towards the end of my first year however, I found there were some boys in particular amongst my contemporaries at Jaques', with whom the whole subject of sex was treated as something interesting for discussion. There weren't many of them I might add. But with Iain Graham-Wigan and Michael Parker, the discussions soon became quite a regular event within our lives: usually of an evening after all items of extra work had been completed, grouped round a coal fire in one person's room, or anther's.

Parker minor was the oldest, and therefore dominant in that his views were seldom really challenged. I remember accepting that I must be talking nonsense when he had rebutted my statement that prostitutes still walked the streets of Piccadilly at night. There seemed to be no answer to his assertion that the Metropolitan police force would never permit them to get away with it. G-Wigan and myself were contending on equal terms for credibility, but we were both cautious about the knowledge we had to offer.

Something that I did begin to learn about was the way there was a multitude of petty sexual scandals taking place at Eton, involving boys whom we knew by sight if not actually to talk to. And the greatest number of these scandals involved the activities of those who were recognised as being the school tarts: boys who might otherwise be described as being the best looking members of the Lower school. There was one scandal in particular which was just coming to a head, and this involved [C], who was in fact in the same division for French as myself at the time; so I regarded him fringely as a friend. Then suddenly he disappeared from the scene, and no one would answer me straight as to what had become of him. Or not until Parker explained to me what had happened. (But this tale has to be omitted.)

There were some other tales too within the repertoire of current scandal, most of which involved the suspected activity of the school tarts. I learnt the extent of the interest which was focused upon these boys, and how all the information that we acquired about them was passed on and treasured. People would look to see what they were up to during the morning services in Lower Chapel: if they happened to be smiling at anyone, and whether they looked comfortable within their own skins. Indeed we felt a certain affection, even admiration for them, in that they furnished us with such interesting items for gossip.

I was also becoming aware - perhaps for the first time - how I myself was regarded as being good looking. Indeed, I was genuinely naïve on this subject, as I was to discover for example when, several years in retrospect, I was to learn that [D] who was just a very little older than myself, was quite enamoured of me at this time - without me having the faintest idea that he was always watching me in Lower Chapel and such places. I was to be told later how he ordered an enlargement of Jaques's house photograph, so that he could cut out the portion which contained myself, and have it framed. I hadn't the faintest idea about any of this: not even when I received an anonymous gift of a sheath knife, in a mysterious parcel that was sent to me at Sturford for my fourteenth birthday. I merely assumed that someone had been absentminded in omitting their letter of explanation. It was only after I had in fact left Eton behind me that I was teased on the subject by a friend who was in the know, because he had been in the same tutor's as [D]. And even then, the revelation came as a total surprise to me.

When learning about the scandalous activities of the school tarts however, I did find that my curiosity had been kindled as to whether I had as much of this beauty as might be required to emulate their successes - without actually sinking so low as to let any of those who wooed them to score the success of seducing me. I was aware how Etonian morality condemned such behaviour, and I wanted to be admired rather than despised. But since I was now in the period when I was fast approaching puberty, I found myself fantasizing to some extent as to what it might be like getting seduced by one of the older boys who were notorious in these matters.

Apart from my attempts to look suitably angelic in the Lower Chapel, there were fun and games when swimming at Cuckoo Weir. The Upper boys all swam in the neighbouring stretch of water at Warr's Mead, segregated perhaps for the good reason of keeping their eyes and their hands off the Lower boys. But there was still an element of homosexual display within either section of the bathing compound. And I noted how my popularity seemed to be rising, as I flaunted myself in all the games where one endeavours to evade capture from those who had already been caught, and were strung out in a long line with hands joined. I was usually amongst the last to be caught, and delighted in the way that I was thus receiving the full focus of the communal attention. And I relished the fact that they were pleased to find once again, that it was me they were virtually willing to be the catch that they were all saving up to be the last. While slithering this way and that, to outflank or wriggle through the middle of their net, I was conscious of myself as a sexual being. So It may be true to say that I was gradually developing into one of the school tarts.

But I had yet to reach the age of puberty. In my conversations with Parker minor and Graham-Wigan, the subject of masturbation was discussed - or tossing off, as it was called at Eton. But there was a puritanical streak within Parker's sexual attitude, and we never became too personal on the subject. The comments that were made however, did inspire me to have a good try after lights out, to attain a full orgasm; and it piqued me greatly that I was evidently still too immature, physically, to have this happen. I was obliged to conclude that I must be a bit of a late developer when it came to sexual matters.

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