I was now coming up to the first gravely traumatic experience in my life, which (almost inevitably) involved the question of my sexual image in the eyes of my peer group. As previously described, I had been drifting towards an inclusion within what Etonians categorised as the school tarts. Much was true in this description, plus the inner knowledge that I was guilty of homosexual practices at Ludgrove. Potentially, this was a sin which had yet to be expiated.

All of this came to a head in the summer of 1947. I had overcome my initial unpopularity within my own tutor's, and was generally rising upon a wave of popularity amongst my contemporaries within the school. But in revealing my potential as a tart, I had never quite realised what a dangerous game I was playing, to the extent that I was transgressing the codes of acceptable moral conduct.

During the previous half, the Easter half, I had perhaps reached my prime in such activity. This was the time when I was consciously attempting to look as beautiful as possible when sitting there in the Lower Chapel. But what embarrassed me was the instant success of such behaviour. I found that [E] for example was waiting for me one Sunday morning as I came out from the chapel, suggesting that he come back to my room with me. Although I had enjoyed the process of tarting, I was alarmed at its consequence - in that I had no intention of permitting anyone to make sexual advances to me. In other words I had just been cock- teasing, and was now concerned to keep others with me, so that there would be no possibility of [E] taking the initiative into his own hands.

I also became aware how [G], who had a certain notoriety in the school for his dandified appearance and for his pursuit of younger boys, was now visibly smiling at me when our paths crossed in the street. And on one occasion I found him waiting in the street outside m'tutor's, in the company of someone his own age, whose name I didn't know, but whom was later to be identified as [F]. [G] commiserated with me for having lost my boxing match in the semi-finals against [E]. He himself was the school's heavy-weight champion incidentally.

I was to learn later that [F] had crashed upon me - as is said at Eton: which is just to say that he had developed a crush on me. Being of a shy disposition however, he didn't know how to initiate a friendship with me, and I suppose [G] had been showing him how this might be done. [G] came from Wilkinson's, the tutor's which was next to mine, so that our respective windows looked out on one another's over their large garden. Too distant for him really to see what might be going on in my room, but [F] was in the Shooting VIII and possessed a telescope. Moreover he messed on his own and, as I was later to be told, he had developed the habit of sitting there with his telescope on the table, trained upon my window. For my own habit was to sit by my open window when messing with [B] and [M]. So he had plenty of opportunity to study my angelic face, without me having any idea of what was going on.

There had been one occasion towards the end of that half when we noticed, during the mess hour, that some boys at Wilkinson's were flashing a mirror across the garden so that it dazzled my eyes. I had supposed it to be someone that I knew at their tutor's, just fooling around in signalling to me. So I leant out of the window, waiting for them to identify themselves. But as I learnt later, their real intention had been an effort to get me to draw my curtain - thus depriving [F] of his view of me. Apparently it had become a big joke in their house, after they had identified the object of his amorous attention by the simple method of looking down his telescope after he had been called from his room. But the sight of me leaning out from my window, after they had been flashing their signals at me, merely convinced them that I was a willing target for his amorous gaze. So it seems that my notoriety as a school tart now began to get out of hand. And all of this was happening without me knowing about what was going on.

It wasn't until the Summer half that the scandal actually broke. I came to hear of it first, through my friend [B] who had just been told by Parker, who knew various boys at Wilkinson's. I had always been aware that [B] did possess a sadistic streak, and it was somewhat typical of him in this instance, for him to come into my room to say: "I've got news for you. Someone has C.R.A.S.H.E.D. on you!" He had spelt out the word very slowly, watching closely to see how my expression might change. Then quite irritatingly, he departed - leaving me feeling most confused. Hastily following him to another room, I found him in the company of Parker, and asked for clarification as to what he'd meant. This embarrassed him, since it became evident that he had broken confidence with Parker in passing on the information to me so swiftly. But I was eventually given the clarification that I requested.

What really confused me was that I still had no idea who this boy [F] might be. And to hear that it was being rumoured all over the school that we were lovers filled me with complete dismay. For the first time I was being told how my tarting activities in the Lower Chapel had been openly discussed, and it suddenly dawned upon me that I might never recover my good name over the rest of my time at Eton. I dreaded each chapel session, and didn't know where to look - in case I caught someone's eye. And towards the end of the half, I was made aware how public humiliation might be imminent. I didn't appreciate the laughter from those on the river bank, for example, when my shorts came down during the course of a sculling race. And when swimming at Warr's Mead, Parker came to warn me that a group from Wilkinson's were planning to come and catch me: then to fling me into the water just in front of the spot where [F and G] were sitting. I suddenly felt that the whole business was getting out of hand, and that I couldn't cope with it. I left the swimming compound immediately, in the company of Parker and [B] - not to return there again for the remainder of the half.

I upturned my cherubic face, and stole
the whole holy light falling from panes
of stained glass window, before it splintered
in the glinting hair of cheery chapel choirboys.
Spiralling nightmare, I found it viciously for real -
with limbs locked and sealed in ugly stocks;
my rocking head scarred with a sickly smile,
and styled with the mucky refuse from the school bins.
I'd `sinned', and was threatened with the dread grim plunge
into gungey waters of disgrace - watched by `lovers'.
Slovenly, in rags, I dragged my footsteps homeward,
lone-ranging, and crawling through blades of grass.
With all my popularity at start,
how come that overnight it could depart?

Michael Parker turned out to be a stalwart friend in this crisis, but [B] rather less so. I knew him secretly to be piqued that my angelic features had been preferred to his own, when it came to be known that a telescope had been trained upon my room where we were messing. We had often exchanged jokes about how we were receiving covert attention from those (like [G]) who had a bad reputation in the school. But until now, neither of us could truly claim to have evoked any sense of scandal. In a sense he was envious of me, and was secretly grudging of my new notoriety. At the same time he was concerned to punish me - just like everyone else. There was now a slight sneer in all his comments about the school tarts, and no surprise that I should be identified with them. Yet Parker perceived how I was in need of comradely support, and made it his business to defend my reputation in public: also to impress upon our friends that they should rally in support of me.

Parker major - Michael's elder brother John - may well have been responsible for his younger brother being so supportive. He was now the Captain of m'tutor's and was, incidentally, not unaware of my own charm. He had for some while been sending me on fagging errands, with sealed notes to deliver to his friends in Pop. And on opening such notes, these Etonian grandees would promptly start flirting with me: quite harmlessly, but nonetheless flirting. I was aware how John Parker regarded me as a social asset for his potential success in the school, and I think he liked me too in his own sort of way. So on hearing of my current predicament from Michael, I have little doubt that he stressed to him the need to offer me support.

This generally was the situation when the Summer half came to an end, and I had seldom looked forward to a break from school so fervently. I now felt that I'd been given a breathing space: time in which to get the stage of my identity in good order, so that I could contend with whatever battles might have to be fought. But it should not be overlooked that there had been real despair in my heart. I can remember praying to God at the time (a practice which had much diminished since the days of my religious fervour), to enable me to surmount this present crisis with dignity. I remember vouching that I'd be strong enough to contend with whatever scandals He might like to throw on me later in life, so long as He permitted me to emerge from this one relatively unscathed. And the thought in my mind was that henceforward I'd only saddle myself with scandalous behaviour such as I could defend within my understanding of the Universe.

On arriving back at Sturford however, I discovered that Caroline and myself had been invited to spend a week- end in Ireland at the home belonging to [Z]'s father. There was a ball to attend, and Caroline was much in demand now, socially, since her coming out that season when she had acquired for herself the media acclamation of being the Deb of the Year. [Z] was someone who had been at Ludgrove with me although just a trifle older than myself. He had been generally detested as a bully. But he'd always shown a respect for myself - due to my skill at boxing.

The humiliating part about this particular week-end was that I discovered that [Z] had grown considerably in size, relative to myself, who was to put on my own spurt in growth shortly after this. [Z] had always been prematurely big, but he now seemed bigger than ever. And inasmuch that I was his guest, I felt obliged to limit my counter-aggression accordingly. It was also plain right from the start of the week-end that we now, if ever, had little in common. After his departure from Ludgrove, he had been sent to some other school than Eton. His obsession appeared to be with the mechanics of his car, an old banger which he was constantly stripping to pieces before reassembling: then driving it round and round the private roads on his estate - never once offering me a go at the wheel. I escaped his company for as much time as I could, in an attempt to catch some of the fritillaries which abounded in their garden.

The embarassment in our re-meeting eventually came to a point when, so as to acquaint me with our relative strength he caught hold of me and obliged me to start wrestling with him. I had the humiliating experience of him lifting me off my feet in a bear hug, and then twirling me round him as he span in quick circles on the same spot: finally with him collapsing on top of me and pinning me to the ground. It was difficult for me to preserve a sense of dignity in this situation, especially with his father (a kindly old buffer) enquiring if [Z] wasn't being too rough with me. Once I had permitted [Z] to lift me off my feet in a bear hug, there could have been little stopping him. But the alternative of slugging my host in the face at an early stage in the wrestling match would have been contrary to the rules of gentlemanly contest, such as had always been impressed upon me. I was indeed in a loser's situation, with my sole consolation being that there was no apparent need for [Z] to feature any more in my life, after the week-end party had ended.

© The Marquess of Bath 1999 Clauses & Disclaimer